If you've read my post "Holding On...and Letting Go", then you know I have an issue with letting go. For one, I am sentimental by nature. I save anything which holds sentimental value. Not necessarily holding on to the past, but perhaps my personal memorial to the days of old. Call it what you like, at the end of the day, I'm a sap! This sap is also a fighter. It's also part of the reason I haven't walked away from so many people and things. In a way, it feels like I'm giving up, and I'm no quitter! Yet still, as we all know, or eventually learn, some of the smartest battles are won when
you just walk away.
I sat across from him thinking about our very first date. In my memory, it still registers as the best date ever. Nothing fancy. A walk through central park, watching a movie from a laptop until night fall, walking toward Time Square and stopping off for a slice of pizza. Our second date, just as memorable, as we met at Bryant Park with our laptops when it started to pour! He used his laptop to shield mine from the downpour, damaging his in the process. Our time together was filled with equally sweet and chivalrous moments, but it wasn't all roses all the time. I remember once arguing because he was willing to put his dreams aside in order for me to pursue mine. Wanting to give up school and just work and support us while I went off to chase my dream. I, on the other hand,would hear of no such thing. I didn't think it fair for him to give up what he wanted for me. I wanted him to pursue his dream too! I mean, why was my dream more important than his? There was certainly a lack of maturity on both sides, but ultimately, insecurity would prove to be the end of our romance. Still, in the back of my mind, and at the forefront of my heart, I always believed we would find out way back to each other. Our connection was undeniable. And while we had some tough times, our good times were something a modern day fairytale was made of.
So here I was, five years after our break up and a funky friendship later, sitting across from him, listening to him tell me how he would always love me, and in the same sentence tell me he is no longer in love with me. "It's funny... all of the things you want now, I wanted to give you five years ago". It was as if he had taken the sharpest knife in the artillery, sharpened it some more, stuck me with it, and turned it slowly and watched me die slowly as the tears flowed. Instinctively, the fighter in me wanted to fight back and tell him he was wrong. I entertained the idea behind "The Vow", though I have not seen the movie, I figured, well if he could fall in love with me once, I could probably get him to fall again. As my mind raced to find a way to hold on, a quiet voice from within spoke to me, and suddenly I heard myself tell him that I once thought it was so selfish of him when he told me he couldn't be my friend after we broke up, but now, I couldn't find it in me to be his. The lines were too blurry for me. Even if we could still be friends, in my heart I knew that ultimately, it wouldn't make me happy. My inner warrior had backed down. It was time to walk away. This was beyond losing your best friend. I was beyond devastated. I was broken.
I cried myself to sleep that night, praying between sobs. I prayed not for him to change his mind, but for me to find peace with my decision and the situation. I woke up the next morning as if the good Lord Himself had wiped away the tears and filled the emptiness I felt the night before. God heard my cries and saved me.It wasn't an easy decision to make. I will always love him, but he himself admitted to being selfish. Perhaps now was my time to be a little selfish too.
Getting to Happy -1; Letting Life Get the Best of Me - 0.