Narrowing Down the List

       As a single woman I’m often asked, “Well, what type of man are you looking for?”  I think the implication is that I must be single because I’m looking for too much and my expectations are too high, or people assume that something is wrong  with me.

       I remember a few years ago my sister and I were on this kick where we were writing down everything we wanted in life and wishing it into future existence.  During one of our write-a-wish sessions, we each decided to come up with 100 things we wanted in a man. 
The first 50 came easily.  In fact, I think I was up to 80 qualifying attributes before I started worrying that I wasn’t going to get 100.  I was struggling, but still determined get everything on paper.  I wouldn’t want to miss the ever important “nice watch,” and risk ending up with a fantastic man who doesn’t even wear a watch.  I compared notes with my sister just in case she had a gem on her list.  When we were both sure we’d asked for every single thing any “normal” woman could want in a man we sealed our lists in envelopes and put them in a box.  At the time I think we really believed it could happen; at some point in the near future our princes, with respective requirements, would hunt us down, stare into our approving eyes and fall instantly in love.  Then it didn’t happen.

       I don’t even think it was a full year later before I opened my envelope and started to reevaluate.  At this point I thought obviously he didn’t come because I got greedy.  After all, those last twenty or so were kind of forced.  I took out a red pen and my list and began the task of whittling it down to the essentials.  As I slashed one attribute after another I felt a little embarrassed about how shallow I’d been, not even twelve months earlier.  Why does a man have to be at least 5’11” when I’m only 5’3?”  Does he really have to have a strong five year plan?  Mine is always changing.  What about hair; why should he have to get regular hair cuts?  Most of the men I’m attracted to are bald anyways.  I eliminated one after the other with ease.  I wasn’t afraid that I’d regret my change of heart and I didn’t feel half the anxiety I experienced when I was making the list.

       In the end my list was cut down to just a few essentials. All that remained was the type of man any girl would love.  He is a good person who cares about others.  He has integrity and enjoys a good laugh.  He is able to love and most importantly he is totally available.  Of course I still have a few requirements that are personal to me, but I can count them on ten fingers and I don’t feel like a bad or shallow person when I read them. Before I began this exercise I probably was single because I was looking for too much, my expectations were too high and all of this definitely meant that something was wrong with me.  Instead of thinking about what I really valued in a partner, I was stuck on a list of requirements I couldn’t even live up to.  Today I’m still single, but I know that my list is complete and non-negotiable.  I look forward to being a better partner because I know what I want and I’m sticking to it.  I’m not so sure that I’d be so secure if I hadn’t written the impossible 100.  I may have never known that I still had work to do.

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